How Can I Help A Friend Who Is Depressed?

Art, especially literature, can sometimes do a very good job of describing the human condition that an encyclopaedic entry might not. I remember being struck by reading tortured writer Sylvia Plath’s novel ‘The Bell Jar’, which painfully described her struggles with depression.

The above quote from Plath’s book stayed with me long after reading it. A couple of years ago, a close friend, someone I had known almost my entire life, said something similar to me — about tears, unsteady, and his internal struggle. Most of his sentences would end with the refrain, “I don’t think I can …” He later visited a mental health professional and was diagnosed with depression. Like me, at the time, most people have little to no idea about how to help someone with depression. Find out what signs to watch out for and how to make things easier for someone who is struggling silently.

Depression is a frequently encountered yet serious mood disorder. It leads to intense symptoms impacting a person's emotions, thought processes, and ability to manage even everyday tasks, including sleeping, eating, or working.

Shruti Bose, a counselling psychologist, elucidated how to recognise symptoms of depression in a friend. She starts by saying that observing their behaviour closely is one way of acknowledging their emotional distress.

“You may start noticing subtle changes in the form of a lack of enthusiasm to do anything, a change in energy to do tasks, and sometimes even a shift in their mood. The mood shifts can become frequent, or there can also be withdrawal as a whole. Often, these shifts are quite visible as you can see that they are not behaving the way they used to, but sometimes it will require us to pay close attention too. Sometimes, it could also manifest as a change in their sleeping patterns or eating habits. In some cases, the symptoms could include a threat to their life through self-harm and attempts to end their life,” she said. 

It's crucial to note that not every individual with depression will experience every symptom. Some individuals may only exhibit a few symptoms, whereas others might display many. Symptoms linked to depression can disrupt daily activities and significantly distress the affected person.

When she realises that her friends are depressed, Shruti Bose finds that recommending books and movies usually offers comfort and perspective. If they are open to talking more about it, she refers them to professional spaces that might help.

"Offer your friend that space to talk and share what they are feeling with no judgement and complete acceptance is crucial. More often than not, that’s what they want. If you see physiological and biological symptoms, while you can still give a safe space, you must understand limits and encourage your friend to get professional help.”

Finding your friend a therapist and accompanying them to their appointment, if that’s what they’d like, is also a great way to show support. "I’ve had clients who have had their friend accompany them for a session and wait outside. Knowing that you have someone close by whom you can turn to really helps,” she adds.

When helping someone with depression, one also has to account for the fact that, more often than not, your friend wants to be left alone. In a situation like this, you may end up confused about how to help someone with depression without making it worse.

“We should not shame them for feeling what they feel. Also, there is no need to give them unsolicited advice about how to work on their thoughts and experiences because we truly don’t know what the other person is going through,” says Bose.

Psychologist Priyaanka Shah believes that sharing your own story of depression and taking your friend to the same therapist can often help build confidence. But if you’re faced with strong resistance and the person refuses to take any help whatsoever, it is important to remind them that they should get help and even bring in a family member in case the situation worsens and leads to self-harm.

Helping a friend through their depression is not an easy task. “Supporting a friend who is depressed requires a fine balance of respect, empathy, and utmost care and compassion,” Bose believes . 

“The key factors when trying to help a friend with depressive symptoms include gentleness, kindness, and strength,” Shah explains.

Remember, as a supportive friend, your role is to listen, guide them to a therapist, and also prioritise your own mental health — after all, empty cups can seldom pour. 

Be alert to the indicators of depression. Should your friend show several of the signs and symptoms below most of the time, each day, for a minimum of two weeks, it's possible they're dealing with depression. Ongoing feelings of sadness or changes in mood, a decreased interest in everyday activities, alterations in appetite or weight, difficulties sleeping, unexplained physical pain, and thoughts of death or suicide are key symptoms to pay attention to.

If your friend is resisting help, it is best to respect their boundaries but also let them know that you’re there for them and willing to help in any way you can. Listen actively without judgement, encourage self-care, and most importantly, express your concerns and let them know that you care about their well-being.

When taking care of a friend with depression, make sure to take care of yourself first. Reach out to your friends and relatives for help, do what you can to keep yourself healthy, and remember to be patient and stay grounded.

If you notice extreme resistance or signs of self-harm and suicide, it is best to reach out to others who can help.

If you notice a significant change in your friend’s behaviour, urge them to seek professional help. Help them find a mental health advisor or therapist.

Listen to them, validate their emotions, and if they are open to problem-solving, help them strategise. But above all, give them the space to be open.